These love songs get me and I feel like ahh I want love but as soon as a guy gets close to me I push him away or I can’t image us being together or my personal favorite: “I’m not ready for a relationship but let’s see where this goes.” That is my line of choice. Maybe I’m more in love with the fantasy of love than actually working hard for something. Can’t keep running away every time something gets too involved or difficult for me to handle but that question that has remained for as long as I can remember is :
“Do I really want to work this hard for something I’m not sure I’m ready for / want?”
In a sense I can be perceived as lazy in relationships. I’ve never had to work that hard at anything in life, most things come natural. When I do get involved I give of myself a lot but I also feel I could give more at the end of the day. There is always someone who likes me and I can’t stand them but I keep them around so I won’t feel so alone. It all boils down to my philophobia: fear of love and fear of lonely. I want to love with all my heart and nothing is holding me back yet I can’t give my heart freely to another person. I know all the right words to say and how to be supportive and act like a girlfriend should but at the end of the day I cannot decide if I really want to be someone’s girlfriend or continue to play that role. 95% of me says take the plunge and when you feel it’s right, but I have no idea when it’s right. When I think some things right it’s usually wrong. I think I’ve already found the right guy but wasn’t ready for what he needed to give me. I’m on a quest for happiness now that I’ve realized what I actually want in life: I want to fall madly, hopelessly in love with someone who feels the same about me. Someone who can teach me and I can teach, someone to take off my cool and see me as I with him. (: I’ve been hurt and I lobe hard well I like hard lol never been in love but today I realized I want it. I guess I’m growing up and I have to be patient. Dying my bangs purple is kind of a rebirth of my romantic side. Just tired of running from something I obviously need and want. Fearless in love isn’t me just yet but time only changes the weather, so I’ll be there when the time comes. (:
_orange fever (:
